Three Men on a Hike
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'
Poof! ... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.'
Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river'
Poof! .. He was turned in to a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
GO AHEAD, SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH AND TO ANY MAN WHO CANHANDLE IT!
'If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!'
Here are the top 10 comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back but, alas . . . :
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses
them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
10. Another favorite is during the diving competitions two nights ago the commentator said..."Look at that... you aren't getting anything
between those legs."
Sex after death
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact, 'Connie ...Connie.':
'Is that you, Joe?'
'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'
'That's wonderful! What's it like?'
'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then
pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.'
'Oh, Joe you surely must be in Heaven!'
'Not exactly .. I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona ."
The Naked Cowboy
The Sheriff of a small town walks out of his office and sees a blond cowboy coming down the sidewalk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you dressed like this?'
The Cowboy says: Well, it's like this Sheriff . I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her.
So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt.
So I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.
So I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts.
So I did.
Then she gets on the bed, looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy ... and here I am.'
Son of a Gun, Blond Men do exist!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no
other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete
and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."